so the day has come...the day i thought would never come...i'm F-O-R-T-Y-...i didn't do much, brian's parents decided to take me out to dinner and towards the end of dinner (at the keg upstairs, so it was a little smallish), had a panic attack and i had to leave the room so i could get 'air' as i felt like my chest was closing in and i couldn't breathe...ahhhhhhhh panic attacks...gotta love em...anxiety, oh so fun...
when does the mid life crap start?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
sociopaths...
so i had to attend a funeral in the sault recently, not an old person, not someone who had been sick for awhile, but a 15 year old boy who committed suicide...
...the boy's mom works(ed?) with my mom and when we attended the service, his parents were up at podium speaking about their son...
...let me just say that its one thing hearing about a young child who dies and feeling the empathy and the initial sadness etc..., but an entirely different thing when you're actually attending the service with all the visuals around you and seeing and hearing all the sadness from loved ones...
i had often wondered all up to that point how can a sociopath be a sociopath? in other words, how can someone NOT feel for other people??? how could you NOT if you were human? they say sociopathic tendencies begin and develop in childhood and can develop because of one extreme parenting to the other: over-loving or under-loving...usually the latter makes up most cases...
casey anthony murdered her two year old girl and went partying that night, pictures of her dancing, drinking and laughing...like wtf?? how is that seriously possible? i mean even an animal would probably take that first day and be a little somber if they lost a baby? and so this wracked and wracked my brain for the longest time...they can develop friendships and have relationships, so don't they have to feel something for that?
...while listening to the mother speak about her 'baby' who just took his life, and looking at the overblown portraits of him behind her, it took, of course, everything in me to not cry...and of course, there wasn't a dry eye in the room...but for some reason, i just didn't want to cry, i felt uncomfortable, probably because if i started, i would have never been able to stop and would have started blubbering...
...so i fixated my mind on trying to be a sociopath..."think of the body in that casket as an object...lets say a clothespin...and so what if a clothespin is in that casket? its just a thing...so there's no reason to be sad over an object, right?"
actually, it was right...the more i focused, the more i convinced myself it was a clothespin and the urge to cry went away...(one known fact about sociopaths is that they look at humans around them-doesn't matter who they are-as actual objects or things, and literally nothing else)
and so this was working now...
...then of course, my human feelings came back and my eyes started to water as i heard his mom say she will now learn how to spend the rest of her life without her baby...
...so then to keep my mind pre-occupied, i started to deeply analyse what was it exactly that was making me cry, and everyone else cry? i mean, on the surface, its because we're not animals, right? we're loving human beings...but how does this really work?
i didn't personally know these people, and yet i cry...and of course, after thinking about it, i cry because i'm empathising with this mom...when i look at pictures of the deceased, my mind is putting my son's face there...when i watch the desperate mom, my mind puts me up there and i cry, kind of, for myself in a sense...i know if that were me up there, i would be completely shattered...
...so that means i'm in touch with my emotions then, right? yes, i have to be in touch with my emotions and i have to care about myself enough and love myself to imagine it my situation instead of this other mom's and therefore feel tremendous grief and the result is i cry...
...but sociopaths don't like themselves do they?
so there you go...because the sociopath, somewhere deep in the darknesses of their sub-conscious minds, despise themselves so much, they are unable to love themselves, and without love for themselves, they don't feel sadness for themselves, and if they don't feel sadness for themselves, why would they need or want to cry for themselves? if they can't cry for themselves, they don't know how to cry for others since feeling for others means feeling for yourself...
oooooooooohhhhhhhhh...i think now i can understand how and why the sociopath operates...i know maybe it was obvious to some already, and i guess i kind of knew on some level, but actually putting it to the test in a real situation put it into much better perspective for me...
so when they say how can someone love you if you can't love yourself? well, the direct reverse is true too...especially with sociopaths...
...the boy's mom works(ed?) with my mom and when we attended the service, his parents were up at podium speaking about their son...
...let me just say that its one thing hearing about a young child who dies and feeling the empathy and the initial sadness etc..., but an entirely different thing when you're actually attending the service with all the visuals around you and seeing and hearing all the sadness from loved ones...
i had often wondered all up to that point how can a sociopath be a sociopath? in other words, how can someone NOT feel for other people??? how could you NOT if you were human? they say sociopathic tendencies begin and develop in childhood and can develop because of one extreme parenting to the other: over-loving or under-loving...usually the latter makes up most cases...
casey anthony murdered her two year old girl and went partying that night, pictures of her dancing, drinking and laughing...like wtf?? how is that seriously possible? i mean even an animal would probably take that first day and be a little somber if they lost a baby? and so this wracked and wracked my brain for the longest time...they can develop friendships and have relationships, so don't they have to feel something for that?
...while listening to the mother speak about her 'baby' who just took his life, and looking at the overblown portraits of him behind her, it took, of course, everything in me to not cry...and of course, there wasn't a dry eye in the room...but for some reason, i just didn't want to cry, i felt uncomfortable, probably because if i started, i would have never been able to stop and would have started blubbering...
...so i fixated my mind on trying to be a sociopath..."think of the body in that casket as an object...lets say a clothespin...and so what if a clothespin is in that casket? its just a thing...so there's no reason to be sad over an object, right?"
actually, it was right...the more i focused, the more i convinced myself it was a clothespin and the urge to cry went away...(one known fact about sociopaths is that they look at humans around them-doesn't matter who they are-as actual objects or things, and literally nothing else)
and so this was working now...
...then of course, my human feelings came back and my eyes started to water as i heard his mom say she will now learn how to spend the rest of her life without her baby...
...so then to keep my mind pre-occupied, i started to deeply analyse what was it exactly that was making me cry, and everyone else cry? i mean, on the surface, its because we're not animals, right? we're loving human beings...but how does this really work?
i didn't personally know these people, and yet i cry...and of course, after thinking about it, i cry because i'm empathising with this mom...when i look at pictures of the deceased, my mind is putting my son's face there...when i watch the desperate mom, my mind puts me up there and i cry, kind of, for myself in a sense...i know if that were me up there, i would be completely shattered...
...so that means i'm in touch with my emotions then, right? yes, i have to be in touch with my emotions and i have to care about myself enough and love myself to imagine it my situation instead of this other mom's and therefore feel tremendous grief and the result is i cry...
...but sociopaths don't like themselves do they?
so there you go...because the sociopath, somewhere deep in the darknesses of their sub-conscious minds, despise themselves so much, they are unable to love themselves, and without love for themselves, they don't feel sadness for themselves, and if they don't feel sadness for themselves, why would they need or want to cry for themselves? if they can't cry for themselves, they don't know how to cry for others since feeling for others means feeling for yourself...
oooooooooohhhhhhhhh...i think now i can understand how and why the sociopath operates...i know maybe it was obvious to some already, and i guess i kind of knew on some level, but actually putting it to the test in a real situation put it into much better perspective for me...
so when they say how can someone love you if you can't love yourself? well, the direct reverse is true too...especially with sociopaths...
Monday, July 5, 2010
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